Jan 18th - Kelly

When Kyle's doctors called the other night with the information that he was not breathing on his own well, having a hard time keeping his heart rate up, he was lethargic (not responding well), and his oxygen requirements were way up and he was not saturating well.... all the air that had been slowly becoming available for me to breathe left the room again.  Every story from the internet that I had read about preemies living 8 weeks and then getting an infection and not living came rushing back.  I spent much time that night letting God know exactly what I would feel and do if took Kyle away from us now.  His NP started 2 antibiotics, took blood cultures, a CBC looking for infections, a CRP looking for inflammation, and put him back on CPAP.  We waited.

that night jack prayed.  i asked if he wanted to pray or if he wanted me to pray.  he said "jack".  so I said okay and this was his prayer.  "Jesus... tyle (that's Kyle)... better"

he said it best - i keep trying to make it elegant.  like that will make a difference.  you know lots of people compare God to a father ... like our earthly father.  and when jadon asks us for something and he whines - he DOES NOT GET IT.  but if he asks in his big boy words - he has a better chance.  God probably doesn't work this way but just a passing thought - maybe I should stop whining, pulling on God's pants leg, wallowing on the floor making whiny threats about what I will do if I don't get my way.  hahahahaha - we always say that jadon takes after me!

That next morning Kyle was much better!  He has spent the last 2 days at 21% oxygen.  that is room air!  at 1 a.m. they will officially say that Kyle does not have an infection and they will pull his antibiotics.  He has already been weaned down to a CPAP of 5 and tomorrow they think he will go to 4!  the next step will be (once again) nasal cannula.  Brandi is amazing at keeping his Os down.  and Misty is there tonight. back from the dungeon! yea!  so kyle has awesome nurses and I am learning that makes all the difference.  

so, Kyle is doing really good!  he is now officially holding his own temp as he went to an open crib today!!  or big boy bed as we like to call it.  so he has been weaned from help with his temp.  he is really getting big.  he also has a mobile - he looks at it and it plays music which he also notices!  

kyle loves his paci! he loves to be swaddled.  He LOVES to have his head scratched through his hat.  and he loves to be held.  he loves his nurses and did i mention he loves his paci!

john and i are running around like crazy.  we meet each other coming and going.  but it is just for another month and a half they thing - docs say 2 months - but our nurse today said she thought maybe a month and a half!  we juggle the boys - juggle the house work - and john is really swamped with work.  i know we can hang in there but today brought frustration and stress and that led to arguing!  two babies of the families that both think they are first borns and you can imagine - we can fight! I figured with our stress levels this high and lack of sleep this is just part of it.  by the grace of God and john's amazing ability to get over it - we are fine.  seriously you give him 5 min and he is good - today took more like 1 hour!  

i am having a hard time spiritually.  I have a great need to understand and I do not right now.  I have high expectations (ask any 220 volunteer about that!) and they are being let down left and right.  I just need time to figure this out - i know you are big enough to handle this God.  or at least I have heard that cliche at a church before somewhere.  that is what I mean. those of us that have grown up around modern day american religion spit out cliches like that and actually believe them.  that one is pretty harmless and true but not all of them are.  so for now I will work this out.  I believe in God.  I believe in truth.  I know the truth is buried in me b/c every once in a while a bit of it finds its way to the surface of my thoughts.  but people, religion, idolatry, rational - they are all getting in the way and it will take time to sift through it.  

and when we all come out the other end of this we will be different.  thank God.