today i got a comment. one that made me gulp in horror as I read about the baby's brain bleeds but one that helped me remember what we need to be to each other. I had a doc visit with kyle yesterday - great news - his eyes are still perfect! so perfect she is "shocked". and wants to see him in one month just to be sure!!! she couldn't believe it. but she did mention a concern neurologically. this is the stuff that gets me. so my day of joy took a turn to a day of anxiety, stress, reflux or an ulcer I don't have a clue but it is ridiculous the way my body is responding to fear and stress these days. so then came the fight -the fight to rely on god. oh and I can't tell you how many disabled and mentally retarded people and kids! that i ran into during my doctor's visit. makes the fight that much harder for me. the fight against fear that is. anyway - so I talked with God much yesterday and fought to stay focused on his promises to me.
that comes the hard part - I questions the promises. I think it is that underneath whisper my friend told me about. the whisper of the enemy. i can't even get one doc visit with all good news - b/c what i want is a doctor to assure me and what my God wants is for me to rely on him only. hmmmm... I NEVER thought it would be this hard.
my mother in law said to me the other day that I only need the faith of a mustard seed and I replied back "it's a good thing b/c that is probably all I can come up with." and as I think I have been realizing what i think that statement means. not that we can skate around half way believing but when we are so desperate so scared so sitting in humility with no one else to grasp our faith from - we can turn to God with the little bit we have left and it will still be enough.
This makes me say - our God is good.
oh - back to the comment I got today - a young girl - a young mom - too afraid to visit her 26 weeker twins - both are bleeding in the brain. I want to take your sweet face in my hands young mom and say to you - what little you have left in your spirit - it is enough. fight for your babies fight for their spirit and yours. Our God is good. you are not abandoned. even though you can not take in what I am saying it is truth. I am just a few steps ahead of your life and looking back and still looking forward - I understand - my spirit hurts and groans for you. I will intercede.
I have lots of thoughts to share about kyle coming home. I am thrilled, excited, challenged, overwhelmed with joy - so happy to be mom to all three of my boys. sitting in the rocking chair with kyle listening to jadon and jack in the back yard. it doesn't get any better than that!
but it seems in an instant or in a word from a doctor - all of it turns to fear and churning. for several days I couldn't remember why I was so upset - I was living in my bliss and praising God for my sons. I want to be back there. the only think I know to do is fight and allow you ( you know who you are) to fight for me. please.
another doc appointment today - cardiology! we will see how this goes and when I can start sleeping, tear myself away from candy land, legos and bike riding in the cul de sac - I will begin recording my thoughts again.
first: two questions - anyone that commented earlier on our medicaid blog stuff - I need to ask you some questions. We are having a very hard time getting medicaid to cover kyle - we did hear from lots that his docs would be covered but we are having a hard time making them do it - lots of forms that don't seem to be working so for real - will you email me if you know about this. also- we have LOTS of visits and therapies coming up - I would love input on physical therapists - I will be interview some soon. my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
please keep praying for Kyle - our road is at an amazing place - I am realizing what a miracle kyle is. I have a 6 pound (yes - I said 6!) 4 month old. and he is at home with me! on only one medicine that ends March 4th. this is a miracle. He is a courageous lion - and will be a king!
please keep praying for God to restore his mind to perfection!