I have spent the last week wondering if I have it all wrong. If the truth/honesty/explore/question thing is the wrong way to live. What I mean is when I started this blog I committed to be honest. Not type about how perfect and happy my life was if it wasn't and not to leave out the anger or fear or questions - but to be honest.
This week I started to wonder - not wondering what others could take - i'm sure that honesty with in modern day america and modern day religiosity will always be refreshing. Actually wondered if it was beneficial. to me - to other moms. I wanted to blog and I still do so that some mom somewhere would be okay b/c she knew the feelings she had were okay or maybe she wouldn't feel so alone b/c she knew someone had been there. so that one day when I can't even remember the deep deep pain i felt - she would still know that some one else had been there and lived. But now I wonder if maybe all the questioning, all the wondering - can you get through it. Can you hurt and questions and seek and not find and get angry and live in guilt over your anger and hurt and still come out on the other side.
would it have been better to have bought into the cliches. To have listened but never cared to understand as others tried to explain away what has happened to you. It is a tragedy... God planned this... You were strong enough, that is why God gave this to you... God is teaching you... Kyle lived b/c you prayed hard enough... Kyle had a brain bleed b/c you didn't pray hard enough... do you see - some sound ludicrous but some might have been easier to just swallow and believe and then blog to you about my white picket fence!
I feel like I put my head in the ground for 4 months and during that several bombs went off. Everywhere - leaving all of my life affected (my husband is going to laugh but I always wonder when to use "effected" and "affected" I know ... sad!) and changed. then one day I pulled my head out of the ground to look around and see what made it. What was still there. what friendship - and to what capacity? what job? what ministry? what children? what family? who was still there - who was offended - who was hurt - who was silent?
My life has changed so much but the hard part is that it changed without me. I keep wanting to go back to who I was - I remember her, admire her, miss her, but I CAN NOT FIND HER! I am not the same - how will everyone deal with that? how will i deal with that? how will my sweet precious innocent children deal with that?
so i guess I am realizing today, tonight that I don't get to go back. I have to learn who i am now and this all might sound really cliche but it isn't. cliche would have been giving out some line right now about how God does everything for a reason and not having a clue why i was saying it.
what I am saying is that I struggle with anger, stress, self worth issues as a mom, guilt for caring about anything other than the fact that my children are alive, who are my friends, are they hurt from when I lashed out, why can't i pray for others, why do i threaten God with my love anytime I want something from him, why can't I feel empathy for anyone anymore, will all these things come back, will God still bless our ministry to others if I'm jacked up, when will I be back to me, and as much as I never thought I would say this... there are so many days that I just want to go back to the NICU where I feel safe - understood. where others were like me, confused, messed up - so much in common with our little ones - a instant bond. and the nurses - they took care of me not just kyle. these were my friends and my support - they were there every step of the way. and now they are gone - I cant' go up there and hang out - darn privacy laws! j/k. i thought people had lost their marbles when they told me that i would go through this.
anyway - so there is another dose of honesty. i really do look forward to the day when this blog is about more positive moments. I know they will come - just didn't think it would take this long.
back to work for me.
13 comments:
i appreciate your honesty and whether you have a prayer request or a praise, i am praying of praising with you guys.
phillip yancey wrote in his book, "what's so amazing about grace" that he desired that the church function more like an AA meeting. each person arriving aware that everyone next to him or her was screwed up and needed immense help and support. instead today we all "dress up" for church physically and emotionally. when in all actuality we are people who are drunk in our sin and desperately need a biblical 12 step program. thanks for being real. and i HIGHLY recommend that book.
Hey Kelly,
I don't know that you can ever understand when you are in the moment. It takes a long time to be able to look "back" and see God's plan. There was a period of time when I was questioning, doubting, angry, confused etc about God and a friend told me that God was big enough to handle my doubt and anger. For some reason that helped me. To know that God still loved me and was in control even though I was messed up. I will continue to pray for you. You have to be so tired.
Thank you for your honesty-I am going to try to be more honest. Moms need to know that we are all the same down deep-it's the truth. We all struggle with God, it's normal because faith is hard.
Thanks for your honesty! Whatever you are going through, I can not imagine or say I understand, but I can support and give you praises!
~Elyse~
I am a faithful reader of your blog and just sent out your blog to a friend who's friend delivered a three month premature baby yesterday. I know that she will find it comforting and encouraging. I think your honesty is what will help everyone else who is also going through this. You will make them feel normal and not alone. Kyle is just precious by the way. He is getting so big!
I want to be ME again, too. your honesty is better for YOU than you think... and it's better for US. it does bring some good out of all the crap (for loss of a better word) that you've gone through... it DOES help others to know THEY aren't alone in those feelings. it's better to set others up for THE TRUTH than some rosey version of events... that just sets them up for disappointment and makes them NOT understand when you AREN'T "yourself". I don't know if any of us micro moms will ever be "ourselves" again... maybe this is our new selves... but I DO think we have moments of ourselves sometimes as time marches on...
Lost for words & sending you a great big virtual hug,
Kelly E.
PS. I totally agree with the person who commented to say that God is big enough to handle your doubt.... you're not the first & you won't be the last. He loves you - AS YOU ARE...as He created you.
After surviving a near fatal car wreck 2 years ago, I looked around and thought the same exact feelings...wanting to go back to before that moment and wondering who I was. God has changed me through my experience and honestly for the better. I also had amazing friends who loved me through dark years and many times I wasn't nice to them because of my frustration and them not understanding what I was feeling. Two years later, I am liking the new me. God has done an amazing job in making me a better person and my friends are still there and never once in their minds thought about leaving. God has an amazing purpose for you and will use this to strengthen your ministry and your calling for He wrote All things work together for our Good, to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. praying for you.
You are not alone. Of course you have been changed by this experience, it is to be expected.
My daughter was born with very serious congential heart problems and underwent 11 hrs of surgery when she was six days old and a very long NICU stay. I didn't know about blogs then. It will be five years ago this summer, but I found your blog through Sonkids--where she is also a student, and it has helped me so much. How familiar your feelings are to what I experienced. The questions you have asked God are same ones I asked.
I never felt more isolated and alone and than I did when she was born. I have read some of your entries with tears and I pray feverently for your sweet baby. Don't be hard on yourself, you just went through a very traumatic experience just a few short months ago.
So, I just want to thank you for blogging. I know you are helping other moms. And a cool thing about being the mother of a miracle baby is that you are going to relish and savor your children in ways that mothers of only healthy children will never understand. You been given miracle and he is so beautiful!
I love your honestly and I am sure you get sick of hearing that. I am sure you get sick of hearing a lot of things. It is nice that someone is saying it out loud. Because a lot of people feel what you are feeling in their own battles.
Stef
You did such a good job expressing this in words, I'm sure it wasn't easy. But I want you to know that I get it, I get it completely and I think your children and your family and friends and anyone else that reads this will be enriched by your honesty to not gloss over what you've been through.
God meets us where we are and doesn't wait for us to get to where he is because otherwise it won't ever happen no matter who we are.
Praying for you Kelly and for precious Kyle!
Kelly,
You really didn't stick your head in the ground, its just your reality changed dramatically. All of your focus had to be redirected to one "thing", your son, the one "thing" that needed you more than anyone else or any"thing" else.
I think sometimes our witness as Christians fail because we don't want anyone to see that we struggle to. We don't want to "let God down". I think you said it best yourself when you said these days are "ordained and not orphaned".
I applaud your willingness to allow others to see all of you, who you were and how God is shaping you into who He wants you to be. Change that is out of our control is always uncomfortable but I believe you have handled it quite gracefully. I look forward to reading your blogs, they are always a tremendous encouragement to me.
In Christ,
Debbie
I once was told by a wise man that "it's about the journey with God and not the destination. He has called you to it for His work. Trust him to bring you through it."...
I felt as if you needed to hear that.. it's made me mad some days because why can't we know whats to come?? but on other days, I'm thankful he has given me the great oppurtunites and challenges I've been through. We would not be the people we are today. We may not like who we are, but we are His. He loves Us. No matter what others believe, think, or even gossip about.... God still has a reason why we are who we are.
He's our Dad, and he has given us the characteristics for a reason.
and I was always told "You are put through some things in life so one day- you'll be able to help a woman facing the same challenges you are being put through alone. God knows you can do it, but that woman who will need you one day will really need you."
That makes me mad sometimes too.
Kelly-
you're really a blessing.
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