I have spent the last week wondering if I have it all wrong. If the truth/honesty/explore/question thing is the wrong way to live. What I mean is when I started this blog I committed to be honest. Not type about how perfect and happy my life was if it wasn't and not to leave out the anger or fear or questions - but to be honest.
This week I started to wonder - not wondering what others could take - i'm sure that honesty with in modern day america and modern day religiosity will always be refreshing. Actually wondered if it was beneficial. to me - to other moms. I wanted to blog and I still do so that some mom somewhere would be okay b/c she knew the feelings she had were okay or maybe she wouldn't feel so alone b/c she knew someone had been there. so that one day when I can't even remember the deep deep pain i felt - she would still know that some one else had been there and lived. But now I wonder if maybe all the questioning, all the wondering - can you get through it. Can you hurt and questions and seek and not find and get angry and live in guilt over your anger and hurt and still come out on the other side.
would it have been better to have bought into the cliches. To have listened but never cared to understand as others tried to explain away what has happened to you. It is a tragedy... God planned this... You were strong enough, that is why God gave this to you... God is teaching you... Kyle lived b/c you prayed hard enough... Kyle had a brain bleed b/c you didn't pray hard enough... do you see - some sound ludicrous but some might have been easier to just swallow and believe and then blog to you about my white picket fence!
I feel like I put my head in the ground for 4 months and during that several bombs went off. Everywhere - leaving all of my life affected (my husband is going to laugh but I always wonder when to use "effected" and "affected" I know ... sad!) and changed. then one day I pulled my head out of the ground to look around and see what made it. What was still there. what friendship - and to what capacity? what job? what ministry? what children? what family? who was still there - who was offended - who was hurt - who was silent?
My life has changed so much but the hard part is that it changed without me. I keep wanting to go back to who I was - I remember her, admire her, miss her, but I CAN NOT FIND HER! I am not the same - how will everyone deal with that? how will i deal with that? how will my sweet precious innocent children deal with that?
so i guess I am realizing today, tonight that I don't get to go back. I have to learn who i am now and this all might sound really cliche but it isn't. cliche would have been giving out some line right now about how God does everything for a reason and not having a clue why i was saying it.
what I am saying is that I struggle with anger, stress, self worth issues as a mom, guilt for caring about anything other than the fact that my children are alive, who are my friends, are they hurt from when I lashed out, why can't i pray for others, why do i threaten God with my love anytime I want something from him, why can't I feel empathy for anyone anymore, will all these things come back, will God still bless our ministry to others if I'm jacked up, when will I be back to me, and as much as I never thought I would say this... there are so many days that I just want to go back to the NICU where I feel safe - understood. where others were like me, confused, messed up - so much in common with our little ones - a instant bond. and the nurses - they took care of me not just kyle. these were my friends and my support - they were there every step of the way. and now they are gone - I cant' go up there and hang out - darn privacy laws! j/k. i thought people had lost their marbles when they told me that i would go through this.
anyway - so there is another dose of honesty. i really do look forward to the day when this blog is about more positive moments. I know they will come - just didn't think it would take this long.
back to work for me.