Sorry – our Internet has been down for a couple of days! Wow – have I needed to update!
The CD Release party was amazing – I think this one was even better than the first one! John, of course was amazing! The music really was great – I can’t wait to see how this CD is used! We decided to dedicate Kyle at this week’s CD release. That went great! I wanted to have him dedicated at this church b/c of a story that I might not have shared yet… so hear it goes…
About a month before Kyle was born john started leading worship at WoodsEdge Community Church. He was mostly out at the Montgomery campus. (they have several campuses in their church). John and I attend a home church that has been held in our home for a couple of years now. We love it and this is our community. These are the folks that we do life with – John started with WoodsEdge as a job – but this church just somehow grows in your life to more than that – you will see what I mean in a minute. We had been wondering how to provide community to our five year old. A group of fellow followers of Christ that are his age. (sounds funny but we really do contemplate these things). So we decided we would go to WoodsEdge the Woodlands campus so that Jadon could be a part of a community of followers too. It didn’t hurt that they were going to have the most amazing children’s pastor in the world on staff either! So we decided to go one Saturday night when John was leading at this woodlands campus. It just happened to be the Saturday before Kyle was born. Pastor Jeff was teaching on … actually I don’t know what it was on but here is the short version of the story… He had just gotten back from a mission trip where he and his group were taken to a girl’s side that was almost dead. She was non responsive lying on a wooden dirty floor. She had been like that for a long time. Weeks I think. I am probably forgetting half the story by now but Jeff said that they prayed for her. They asked God to heal her. Jeff remembered hearing animals go crazy outside as they prayed for her healing. Her father happened to be the local witch doctor or chief of the tribe – something very high up. Jeff left the building after a bit and went downstairs – a bit confused as to why she had been healed – They wanted to get her to a hospital to help her but knew the father would not okay that – several others stayed upstairs praying. Soon jeff saw her walk down the stairs! Now when I heard him say this – I was going down my check list… there were others there, he is the pastor of a great big church, I know people that know him – He can’t be making this up… and this is all coming out of someone who says she believes. Doubt and skepticism tried to take over – but I knew he was right. I knew his words were true. They prayed and she was healed. The ended up convincing her dad to let them take her and she had malaria I think. She was close to death and would have died. The prayed and God healed her. I was moved by the story but it wasn’t more than a story to me until Monday morning came. I can honestly say after I left john and they were wheeling me in and painting my stomach and counting the surgical tools I was laying there SO GRATEFUL that I was part of a family of believers that prayed and God healed; that believed and would pray. I KNEW that when John would contact Gregg – his pastor at the church – the whole church would pray. Their church body was comfort to me right then.
So I thought it fitting to dedicate Kyle in that church. Honestly so many of you prayed for kyle I think we could have dedicated him anywhere! John put together a video of Kyle’s miraculous life so far and played it during Kyle’s song (number 7 on the CD). That was great too!
There were so many people there – Amy W, one of our night time primary nurses was there. The first time Amy had Kyle she scared me to death. She didn’t sugar coat much. She told me how sick he was and how critical his situation that night was. Sad to say I can’t remember what was going on. As I called through the night – actually I made john call b/c I was too scared to hear what they had to say at that point still – she would give the same report – he was stable but she was very honest about the concerns for kyle at that point. Little did I know Amy would become very dear to my heart – someone that God had given me to lean on. We quickly realized that Amy was a perfectionist – she did it all and did it right. She was always prepared for everything – nothing caught her off guard. From drawing blood – to bath time – to kangaroo care – to weaning. She is good! One night I was changing into my kangaroo care outfit in the nursing room and accidentally overheard some nurses talking about one of their pregnancies and how if she could just get to such and such week then she would feel good – one of the other nurses commented that if she delivered before that she would want to do away with the baby. She would not want it to live. Now before any of you get all hot and bothered – you have to know what these people see EVERYDAY! You cannot judge her. And when put in our situation I’m sure her thoughts would change. But – the point of the story is when I came out of the room – being that they all knew me and knew kyle was a 23 weeker – it got kind of awkward. I don’t think of myself as sensitive. But that hit hard – I began to question everything that night as I held kyle – I cried several times – tried not to be obvious – but wondered if I was being stupid to hang on – or worse yet cruel to kyle. Again – be careful not to judge as you read this b/c I am about to be really honest.
I always thought that the “Christian” thing to do is fight for life. Never pull the plug (for a crude phrase). That was God’s decision. But when you are there – looking at your little one that you have been told will have 0 (did you catch that… ZERO) chance at quality of life – you start to think twice. I wanted Kyle to live. But I wanted him to LIVE. I did not want him to live with zero quality of life. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted him to live with 5% chance or 20% chance at quality of life. Sorry – this is gut honest. It is easy to talk about having faith in this instance – I sure did – but it is different when you are there. There is a blind trust that comes over you for the doctors as you see them fighting for your baby’s life. That trust was hard to gain with God. I felt like He had already let me down. He wasn’t doing what I asked him to do. You would think that we are professional Christians - faith in crisis should come easy! I heard other moms say that if they can just smile at them that will be enough or they don’t care what he is like if he can just come home – or if he will just live. I didn’t feel that way – I don’t know how to explain my feelings I just didn’t and I was scared to DEATH at why I didn’t. I really am glad that the Neonatologist did not get a chance to visit with us before Kyle was born b/c if I had heard the statistics that John had heard I am not sure if would have wanted kyle to live. NOW I can see why we have to have faith and let God be the big picture – but sitting in the moment when fear had gripped my soul – I just cried and wondered – what am I doing? I come and I hold him and I sing to him and I pray over him and I beg for his life and I bathe him – and all the while the nurses that take care of him (these that were in the conversation) think it is pointless – If it was their own baby – they would not want their child to live. I just thought – surely they know something that I don’t or that I am not willing to see. But again I will say – don’t judger her b/c 1. She is not a mom, and 2. How many of us have spoken and then thought “open mouth, insert foot” and 3. They do see horrible things that I’m sure they would not want their own child going through. But back to Amy – that night she asked me if something was wrong – at first I said no and then she asked again later. She said I just didn’t seem like myself. So I told her that I did have some questions – so I told her what happened and I asked her if john and I were doing the right thing? Were we being cruel to kyle. Was there any chance that he could live a happy life? Could he even be normal? Could he go to school or college or do math or get married or think or reason or hold a job? And Amy – with the most genuine honesty I have ever heard told me that if kyle was hers she would do what I was doing. She could not promise me the future but she KNEW and she stressed that – that john and I were doing a great job and what we were doing and how we did it would make all the difference for kyle. She spoke life into me that night – I will never forget that and like with all the nurses there – how do you ever repay someone for a gift like this. I know it is their job to take care of babies in the NICU – but these women (and a couple of men!) went over and above – I watched them think and study and come back and rethink and work endless hours to help kyle. Kyle was Amy’s first primary even though she has been a nurse several years – they have a special bond.
So to see her at the CD Party was great. There were so many people there. I would like to begin sharing some stories of how others have touched me in my journey with Kyle. There have been so many people – I could never list them all – but as they come to me – I would love to share them.