Time flies when you are having fun...

I really can not believe that it has been almost 20 days since I updated this blog last! WOW! Time flies when you are having fun! Kyle is so much fun and we are having a blast with all three boys. They are beginning to interact in such fun new ways.

Jadon now is about to be 6 in october. He starts kindergarten in 2 weeks - he is so smart, has an amazing imagination - just amazing. Not a day goes by that a pirate ship doesn't overtake our home and he resucues us with swords and kung fu (as he puts it). He is bossy as he can be too - but has this amazing magnetic personality! He has 2 rock bands- one with his cousin emily and one with the neighborhood kids. Had his first outdoor concert the other day on our neghbors porch! Jack is 2 1/2 and is absolutely hysterical. Every word is adorable, every action is dangerous, every thoughtful moment is precious. He LOVES his big brother! Does everything that jadon does - everything! and then there is kyle! more of a miracle everyday! This little 23 weeker is blowing me out of the water - and not just me either! He is surpassing the expectations of his therapists, doctors, and nurses every visit it seems like! I will update that really soon!

As for me - I am constantly learning still and constantly growing. I have spent so much time lately trying to take back my life and my family! So much had gotten so out of control - fear, sorrow, fear, mistrust, anger, lack of sleep, did I mention fear? But really - I found myself a couple of weeks ago in a constant spiritual battle where each day I woke up choosing sorrow. I wanted to be angry at what happened to kyle and worse what happened to my friends and their families. If I was angry or stayed in my grieving then somehow maybe just maybe these little lives and these preciouse mom's would be justifited. the only thing in my mind that this began to justify though is the anger. the anger over all of it. then all of the sudden i began to find comfort in the sorrow of strangers. the world wide web is a crazy place. a crazy and big place! I found myself desperately grieving in the middle of the night over mothers and children that i did not even know. This comfort progressed to the (what should have been) past sorrow of Kyle's birth. The temptation was to live in fear for kyle's future - the way we did when he was in the hospital. to live in sorrow over what I feared we had lost - a lack of hope and choosing to focus on the struggles of everyday INSTEAD OF TRUTH - which is the amazing hope God has given us in scripture, in the visions he showed me of our boys playing in the back yard together, and now the amazing reports from therapy and even doctors.

For anyone that knows me - you would know this is not me. That is how I knew it was a battle. It was taunting from the enemy to abandone hope. to abandone selfless faith. to abandone love and joy.

This past month I have steered clear of the web. even my own. I found myself reading women's blogs that had been through tragedy but on thier blogs seemed to LOVE the lord and accept his truth and hope. I commented and tried to reach several of them to ask - "how did you get here - how did you find your way out of the yuck. these women had lived tragedy like I have never known and they made it back to God - made it back to LOVING him." I never heard from any of them. well - I did one just to let me know she reads every blog comment but then i never heard from her past that regarding my hopes to learn how she reached this faith she portrayed online. I guess I am just saying I realized that none of these people could help me. the are words on a page to me - I dont' know them - I have not met them - I have never even talked to them.

so....

I got honest. took it all to God. asked for support from my husband. found a friend to pray with. (took some good advice and started sleeping at night!) and most of all - woke up each morning and thought on the hope that I have for the future. chose to be thankful for the way God is healing kyle and awakening my family. chose joy in my boys and in my daily ... whatever I am doing. It is helping. not by any means a fix all - but a wonderful wonderful start.

NOW - what am i doing - on to kyle - I'm goign to upload some pics and video!