i realized last night .... the questions was posed - how do you see God. one said - I bet you see him as a healer - b/c of what he has done in your life.
you would think so wouldn't you. I stewed on that really puzzled at why that was not my thought 18 months after my child who they said would not live - lived. and he is not just living - it is abundant. he is LIVING. so I thought who is he - and my reaction to my thought was. (I hate to even type it, but it is true). he is a betrayer. He has betrayed me. WHAT? WHY? HOW COULD I THINK THAT?
still stuck in my formula didn't work. somewhere along the way - I figured God out. No really - I did. (that's a joke) but I thought I had. my formula for fixing people, things, gaining blessing, living happy. Just rules for life. being a good wife, good mom, good friend, good godly person.
for some reason God decided to unveil this dirty horrific broken hurting desperate world to my eyes - all through a group of little babies and their hurt grieving wandering desperate parents. and i was one of them.
how did this happen. and how did I end up stuck with no formula - no God and so focus on this world and all the pain i had been missing - excuse me - ignoring - for 33 years.
some one suggested last night that yes - I may feeling like i am shouting my hopes up to the sky - no matter where I am shouting them - without God ... there is not even a hope of them being heard. then I realized maybe the big deal is not defining exactly who god is before I can trust him - maybe the big deal is that with out him there is no hope. none.
it is like my focus is just off. maybe the point is not how it all comes out but that he is there. he is there through all of it. he is with us. he promises not to leave us. maybe this is the point.
I am living in a shock that people hurt -all over, everywhere there are people bearing hurt that I could never fathom or live through. how will they live, how will they breathe, how will it all be okay? it is an overwhelming question to my heart.
Hope. could that be the answer? b/c he is there we have hope?
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4 comments:
Thank you for your transparency. Hope is definitely something I must be thankful for in times of weakness, thank you for reminding me.
I have had the same thoughts after losing Marshall. But I remember what Marshall spoke into me "It's gonna be OK, Daddy. God's gonna receive glory", and I trust that.(believe it or not, my 10 minute old son did speak to me) Now I see God as a big pillow, that I can rest my weary head, cry my tears and He'll soak them up, and pull Him close to me and scream my thoughts (whether they'll holy or not) and He'll listen. Thanks for being "real", John.
I sure love your heart and your willingness to be candid and ask the hard questions. I feel plagued at times with the hard questions and so unsure of the answers. The longer I am alive the more I suffer & see others suffer...it is hard to not let myself go to a bad place but continue to turn my face to the Lord. How do people do it without God?!? Anyway...so great to hear from you.
Thank you for your honesty. This last year I went thru some struggles of my own. I also thought I had figured God out. In one breath I would curse God, and in the next beg forgiveness for what I had said. No matter how hard I fought, I kept turning back to Him.
I think that is because He is still in my heart, like a first love. That no matter how angry I get, I still hope I'm wrong. I hope he will prove me wrong. I hope it will all work out and He will be glorified. Then again, I wonder if there is a purpose in all the suffering? Or if we just say that when we reach a place of relief, to make ourselves feel better?
Regardless, I know God is God. He is the big boss. And no matter how hard I fight, I can't win.
So I surrender, sometimes begrudgingly. Because I would rather be on his side, than not. And I still hope that He will prove me wrong. That he will show me the truth and his love and mercy.
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