What Joy...

God has restored my joy. for two years I grieved - grieved what? many would ask that question and I guess I have asked it too. I didn't grieve any one thing - I can see now that I just walked the path the Lord set me on. and then one day (much more detailed story than I am writing now) someone approached me and asked me to pray - I did and God restored my joy. I have been sitting in that, living in that, loving in that. the days have not been without trials but Joy is there. When I realized that if God's love - which I knew to be true - could take a child from it's mother; to allow a mother's heart to be torn in that way... then that is a love I will never understand. A love that will never have a definition that make sense to me. It, LOVE, GOD will never fit in any box I could make. But even so a love i get to receive. and LOVE I want to receive.

There is a song by addison road. a song I'm sure so many have heard. I had heard the song but never the lyrics. so one day on my way to my new job (after being out of work for 2 1/2 months - like i said, not without trials) I am listening to some music and I hear this - the second verse of the song...

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

I thought I knew who God was - I had created a version of him that I could live with, that suited my style of worship, service and so on. I truly loved God - loved his ministry - loved people... and then kyle was born, and then I watched him suffer and I watched him get worse and I watched mother's lose their children, and I watched tiny, tiny, babies suffer - I watched my own son suffer - this is when I caught a glimpse of who he might be. A God that is not contained in a box. A God that is still a mystery - I had been kidding myself to think I had figured it out - I was kidding myself in my comfort - in my stories that I had learned to talk about. and the next line of the song almost made me have to pull the car over. the slightest glimpse of Him brought me down to my knees. .... just the slightest glimpse - just one little baby - one little family - one little hospital - one small set of 116 days - I was destroyed - I fell to my knees and had no choice but to follow God down a road of Faith. I will never know all of who he is. He is mysterious and He is all. He is everything. I can't wrap my head around it. But Faith has been given to me and I sit here now with a smile on my face as God teaches me and grows me and increases my faith, my joy, my peace, my desire to know him more.

another song I just heard from one of our worship leaders at our church - What Joy What Joy for those who's hope is in the name of the Lord. what peace what peace for those whose confidence is him alone.

and wow - what joy- what peace I have.

I have been studying the old testament lately and it is so clear that we are God's people and he LOVES us and this love comes with a huge plan that is for God's glory and we may never know. but know or not - we will serve the Lord.