sorry for the title and strangly enough I am not worried about myself - I am worried about each of you. Only b/c I feel like one day I tell you all is great and then the next day I feel my world is crashing down around me and I dare to share it. and right now I am wondering ... how does all this keep going. There are emotions of fear that I am not all that kyle needs, a harsh realization that I can not be all that jadon and jack need me to be, a wonder if anyone could be all that a father going through this could need. ...
each waking moment of mine is to sit with kyle, help Jadon and Jack feel like nothing has changed and they are still the light in my everyday, support and love my husband - but then you have to call the insurance company and mail payments to your mortgage comapny and make peanut butter for your 21 month old b/c he doesn't want anyone else to... and then I look around at so many of you and you, just like me, HAVE paused your lives and you are helping me live mine. Thank you. I can not thank you enough - I never will be able to - thank you for loving me, loving john, and even more for those of you that are loving my children. I don't think that every part of me has ever hurt all at once before - to see one child hurting physically and the other two hurting "in their feelings", as my 5 year old put it, is torture to a mother. Jadon was upset b/c I signed up to work the fall festival booth and couldn't be there today. Jack won't eat in his highchair, or let anyone else tie his shoes if I am home - it is a depserate feeling to need help in loving your children. my deepest, most desperate thanks to those - through prayer or physically - who are loving my children with me/for me.
Today i was listening to a woman share how her son is doing better - his heart clot might be going away and in 42 days she thought they would be going home - I felt so sorry for her b/c Kyle was having such a good day and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, - kyle will be here that long and maybe longer. she holds her baby and I am not encouraged to touch mine. Her baby eats and mine doesn't - it is like panic - that for a few minutes I had convinced myself that this was no big deal and we will be done soon. but then reality hits me.
then just as I am typing this - I think - no one wants to hear this - I am supposed to only say good things, only happy things. If I don't lead the chearleading team for Kyle who will - do you see why I titled this bipolar?
I beg God eveytime I am alone (which strangely enough seems to only be when I am in the bathroom) to increase my faith - so that when the winds blow, and they are starting to, I will not be shaken. you know just before Kyle was born, I was meditatiing on a song by watermark - the lord was preparing me - it is about cleaning out the shadows in us and being healed. WOW... the bridge says (I think this is a bridge - not really my forte')
"what is to come is not yet seen but You have promised everything
and I know that when I wait for You You make it worth my while
from where I am to where You are may seem to be way to far
BUT I will call out in the dark!"
so there is truth (God's truth) and there is everything else... thanks for letting me share - everyone keeps telling me that blogging is therapeutic - i still feel bipolar.
- John and Kelly
- This story begins with 5 people. John, Kelly, Jadon, Jack, and Kyle (he is only 23 weeks old... and he is still safely tucked away in his mommy's belly) In an hour's time Kyle made his way into the world. 1 pound, 3 ounces- 11 and a half inches long. This family will never be the same. This child is a warrior. He has the spirit of a Lion, and more courage than a whole pride. He is fierce, and fearless- and he is teaching us to fear the Lord- and to believe that God is in our midst and healing even now. Join us as pray, as we praise, and as we journey through this life as lovers of God and all His glory.