sorry for the title and strangly enough I am not worried about myself - I am worried about each of you. Only b/c I feel like one day I tell you all is great and then the next day I feel my world is crashing down around me and I dare to share it. and right now I am wondering ... how does all this keep going. There are emotions of fear that I am not all that kyle needs, a harsh realization that I can not be all that jadon and jack need me to be, a wonder if anyone could be all that a father going through this could need. ...
each waking moment of mine is to sit with kyle, help Jadon and Jack feel like nothing has changed and they are still the light in my everyday, support and love my husband - but then you have to call the insurance company and mail payments to your mortgage comapny and make peanut butter for your 21 month old b/c he doesn't want anyone else to... and then I look around at so many of you and you, just like me, HAVE paused your lives and you are helping me live mine. Thank you. I can not thank you enough - I never will be able to - thank you for loving me, loving john, and even more for those of you that are loving my children. I don't think that every part of me has ever hurt all at once before - to see one child hurting physically and the other two hurting "in their feelings", as my 5 year old put it, is torture to a mother. Jadon was upset b/c I signed up to work the fall festival booth and couldn't be there today. Jack won't eat in his highchair, or let anyone else tie his shoes if I am home - it is a depserate feeling to need help in loving your children. my deepest, most desperate thanks to those - through prayer or physically - who are loving my children with me/for me.
Today i was listening to a woman share how her son is doing better - his heart clot might be going away and in 42 days she thought they would be going home - I felt so sorry for her b/c Kyle was having such a good day and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, - kyle will be here that long and maybe longer. she holds her baby and I am not encouraged to touch mine. Her baby eats and mine doesn't - it is like panic - that for a few minutes I had convinced myself that this was no big deal and we will be done soon. but then reality hits me.
then just as I am typing this - I think - no one wants to hear this - I am supposed to only say good things, only happy things. If I don't lead the chearleading team for Kyle who will - do you see why I titled this bipolar?
I beg God eveytime I am alone (which strangely enough seems to only be when I am in the bathroom) to increase my faith - so that when the winds blow, and they are starting to, I will not be shaken. you know just before Kyle was born, I was meditatiing on a song by watermark - the lord was preparing me - it is about cleaning out the shadows in us and being healed. WOW... the bridge says (I think this is a bridge - not really my forte')
"what is to come is not yet seen but You have promised everything
and I know that when I wait for You You make it worth my while
from where I am to where You are may seem to be way to far
BUT I will call out in the dark!"
so there is truth (God's truth) and there is everything else... thanks for letting me share - everyone keeps telling me that blogging is therapeutic - i still feel bipolar.
Kyle's NICU Story in Pictures
7 comments:
you are great. so thankful that you are honest.
Kelly, I don't know you but my heart hurts for you and your family. I will keep each of you in my prayers. There is verse in a song that says,
"But the voice of truth tells me a different story. The voice of truth says "do not be afraid." The voice of truth says "this is for my glory" and of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth."
So, listen ONLY to the voice of truth - not those paniced and terrified voices in your head. Take a deep breath and know that God is and always will be in control. Suzette Mizell
John and Kelly, I am continuing to pray for your family. I know this must be the must difficult time in your life. John you know that if I can do anything don't hesitate to call. We love you and will pray for Kyle without ceasing. Jay and Jeana
Kelly-
Thank you for baring all for us to see! It is a way for you to get it out and it is also a way that we can see God work through this situation. You, John and your boys are a living testimony! The details keep me focused on praying for Kyle!
Expecting HIS best!
Kelly
Be bipolar, be tripolar it's all so normal for the situation you are in. God knows and understands. Try not to campare Kyle to toher children in the nursery it will drive you crazy everyone has good days and bad days. Kyle is on his own schedule and his own time line and only his heavenly Father knows what that is. It is up to us to be patient and faithful to Him. I called the hospital last night but you guys were already gone. I hope to get talk to John soon.
In the name of Jesus I declare healing and wholeness over Kyle. I pray angels of mercy to attend to him and for the Holy Spirit to camp in his isolet. Thanks be to God for all of the goodnes, His mercy endures for ever amen.
Brandie
Bless you in your honesty and agony.
Kelly, You are so precious.
Even though I try, I cannot truly imagine how this has turned your world around. You are an incredible mother of 3. That picture is not conventional right now, but it's REAL. And it's blessed. You are a picture of selfless love and self sacrifice. I look up to you and admire you greatly. You are so strong, and in your raw emotion you are an incredible cheerleader for Kyle in prayer.
Love you.
Jen
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