We just got home from the hospital. Today was an emotional day. The fear of infection, specifically NEC, was really scary. I can't imaging what the reality of it does to the families that it touches. They restarted Kyle's feeding today - this is a HUGE praise and answered prayer - answered the way we wanted. he is at 9 ccs. full feeding for Kyle is 25 cc now so we will have to work back up. He did have some residual tonight which we do not want to see but Misty (she is AWESOME!) just moved his position and he ate it right up! So we (doctors and us) are feeling better about where Kyle is. I second John when he asks you to pray for these doctors and nurses. Not just that they would be used in Kyle's life for health and healing but that they would be blessed. Filled with hope and joy and love as they work and also in their personal lives and families. These are such uniquely gifted people. I am humbled every time I think about them caring for kyle.
I'm sitting alone in my living room right now. It is totally quiet. I mean totally silent. and the alone part just keeps haunting me. No matter what I do each day - where I go - who I am with. It feels alone. I pick up the house (i know for those of you that have come over you don't believe that but I do...), get ready, pump (still don't like it), play with the boys, ride in a car to and from the hospital, maybe stop and target with 100s of people, ride an elevator, sit in a pod with 4 nurses, 8 babies, and 100 alarms and bells. but I always feel alone. on the outside I am doing my thing - making the right face, saying the right thing (sometimes), laughing at the right times, going where I need to go - but on the inside it feels like I am holding my breath and looking everywhere to find some solution. some way to make this right. some way to get back my perfect little life. and then the fear takes over that it might never be perfect again. what if we don't make it through this? what about the way my kids miss me and my 5 year old that worries daily that he is not special, will my precious husband and I be weaker or stronger in our marriage, will his career make it through this. what about 220 - a life's work and dedication - will it continue? and what about my friendships - can they make it through this silence. and what about me.. the inside of me, what will it be like when all this is passed - what good will be left?
sometimes it's like carol said you find your self looking all around and then you have to remind yourself to breathe.
and then ... usually after a huge cry or moment of frustration I realize that it is not fair for me to even care about my feelings or anyone else's for that matter b/c at the center of all of this... this "journey" (that's such a nice christianeese word) there is a sweet precious baby who really just wants to be back in his mommy's tummy where nothing hurts him or is scary. where he can grow and rest. or maybe he wants to be like other 2 month olds; being held and cuddled and kissed and loved all through the day and not put back into a little fort when mommy and daddy have to go home.
i can't believe my son is going through this.
I am too scare to sound ungrateful or want this to be over b/c I DONT. I want kyle to get well. God please I know it is not about bargaining with you but I find myself asking you what you want me to do. i am trying to just "be" but I don't even know what that looks like right now.
I really do hate analogies. ask john sometime - he will laugh b/c he knows I don't like them - but I am trying so hard to describe this sick and chaotic panic I feel inside me all the time. not for your sake but for mine. It's like I fell into water and at first I thought that was no problem b/c I know how to swim. but all of the sudden I realize that I am swimming but swimming doesn't work. so now what do i do?
jadon just ran in here - it's 2 am and he was crying b/c a man from "meet the robinsons" keeps coming into his dream. and that keeps making his dream scary. He asked me to pray against a spirit of fear and for peace in his mind.
me too buddy.
- John and Kelly
- This story begins with 5 people. John, Kelly, Jadon, Jack, and Kyle (he is only 23 weeks old... and he is still safely tucked away in his mommy's belly) In an hour's time Kyle made his way into the world. 1 pound, 3 ounces- 11 and a half inches long. This family will never be the same. This child is a warrior. He has the spirit of a Lion, and more courage than a whole pride. He is fierce, and fearless- and he is teaching us to fear the Lord- and to believe that God is in our midst and healing even now. Join us as pray, as we praise, and as we journey through this life as lovers of God and all His glory.