Day of Life... I don't have a clue!

It has been 2 days since I have written.  I have been meeting myself coming and going.  John has had it even harder.  but I am pleased to say Kyle is rocking right along!  He is still 4 lbs.  the reason is b/c he went to open crib he has been using calories to keep himself warm.  (who even things about that! - but it's true) and he has been doing it - keeping his temp well!  and so he is still 4 lbs even. today was his 3 month birthday (Jan 22nd) that is!  so 3 months and 4 lbs.  when I say it like that he seems little and not big - i guess it is all perspective.  he is doing good!  great even!  He is on nasal cannula again since monday at 8 a.m.!  He has been at 21% oxygen for most of this time (that is room air!) and sometimes goes up but has not been higher than 30%.  He is taking 36 cc s of milk.  you will not convince him that it enough though.  the other day he started rooting - where he turns his head to the side with mouth open in search of food.  he wakes up right near the 3 hour mark and starts rooting - then when you start his feeding and give him his paci he sucks away and then will open his mouth really wide like he wants the paci and shakes his head back and forth like he wants more or faster and he will hold his hands up by his face and pull at the paci!  

last night when we were bathing him he was rooting and found the palm of his hand.  he was trying so hard to suck whatever he could out of his hand.  this is pure instinct b/c he has never received food from sucking.  however when his primary nurse feeds him she will put one or two drops of milk in his mouth and he instantly starts trying to suck! I THINK all of these are great signs that he is progressing.  He is growing and developing as you think a 36 week gestation baby should.  in fact he is beginning to act like a term baby!  so that is great in my book - I am not sure medically what this means but I am encouraged.

Kyle now has a mobile to look at on his crib and a toy box under his bed.  He doesn't do much yet with them but he does look at the mobile he has been having great awake periods and he just looks at you with these great big eyes.  He will just sit and look and listen - then fall back to sleep. He is such a sweet baby!

I am pumping every two hours - after doing that for 14 days I went back to every 3 hours and got completely engorged again.  so after 48 hours of that I went back to every 2 hours and all was well!  this would be great if I pumped for 20 minutes and got 4 ounces but I pump for 20 to 30 minutes and get almost ONE OUNCE!  I think my boobs are broke!  anyway I am not sure if the lactation lady tricked me into this or not! haha or if my body really just needs to get rid of an once of milk every 2 hours to not be engorged!  hahahahaha!  and some say when I get Kyle "to the breast" (sorry keith but that is the term they use!) all will be better.  Well, I doubt that b/c I didn't like it with my others and they didn't get enough milk either and so Kyle will take a bottle!  I will keep pumping - my goal is until he gets home.  I would like to keep it up after that but depending on Kyle's need... I'll start using formula.  no doctor will tell me - ALL lactation consultants say I NEED to keep pumping.  All doctors say I "can" switch him and most moms do and I have done so good that most moms don't pump for this long.  but I can't find anyone who can tell me what I should do. I guess I will wait and my gut will tell me.  He is currently out eating me anyway - It takes 2 pumpings to get one feeding right now.  and b/c he is such a good eater this will only get worse.  some people say I need to take an herb called fenugreek - uh... for anyone that know me before when I took it with jack!!!! back combination - kelly, postpartum issues and fenugreek DO NOT MIX!  I met a girl at the NICU that had this same problem.  wierd.  comforting to know it was not just me!

I am really tired - john is probably even more tired.  He HAS to work right now, we trade off keeping the boys, I don't get to go to the hospital most days until 3 p.m. (so he can work during the business day) and so don't get there till 4 pm and I have to pump every 2 hours so I am staying till 10 or 11 pm just to get to spend 4 or 5 hours with kyle.  John has not gotten to see him in 4 days.  I hate this but we both feel like if only one can go I need to right now.  but I know what benefits I have read from john holding him.  john will get to go wed night - we have a sitter and so I will go at 3 pm and then john will go later.  we will have 2 cars down when we go and that is a pain too but what I'm realizing is I don't want to complain - well I do - I want to whine and cry and stomp my feet!  but I have my son - I have hope - I have 2 healthy kids at home.  some of my new friends do not.  I am trying to stay focused on the positive!  but literally it takes all of my energy to hope forward, focus on what needs to be attended to right in front of me, and love outward in the process.  maybe one day I will read this and it won't make sense... i don't know.

I keep reminding myself and I told john that as long as I know we will love each other when this is all over and all three of my kids will be safe and happy - then I know we can do this.  we are working like we have never worked before to not just salvage our family, ministry, relationships but try to see them grow through this.  some days ... like today.... I feel like we are making it.  Kyle is doing so good.  both our boys at home are sound asleep and happy - so is john for that matter!  It is 4:37 a.m.  Soon I will be too!