so I love breast feeding.... if you know me you know how MUCH sarcasm is in that statement. and now in addition to having to pump (milk me) every 2 hours so as to increase my milk supply. ... wait... why do I need to increase my milk supply? b/c the lactation consultant either didn't believe me or couldn't figure out why I kept hurting. for 10 WEEKS I told her it HURTS! if felt like "they" were being ripped off! and I did not make much milk. Well - she didn't have anythoughts but sent us to this store (or sent john really) and the lady there said "oh... try this." and she was right. just needed a different "cone". I know i said I am writing like this is my journal but I am very conscious right now of my FATHER reading this. Hahahaha. sorry Dad! and Keith. anyway - so it worked the other cones were great! but after being engorged for 10 WEEKS my milk supply had gone down. so the lady said you have to pump every 2 hours! I GASPED! so every tow hours I spend 30 minutes with pumping for 20 and set up and tear down and washing for 10. seriously 5 hours in a 24 hour period. every two hours and once in a twenty four hour period I get a 4 hour stretch.
why would any mom with a healthy baby do this? ahhhh. 10... 9... 8... 7... ... i am waiting for someone form the la leche league be at my front door. just kidding.
anyway - so now that I am pumping every 2 hours (did i mention I am not a fan of this - but kyle needs it so here we are!) the other night I look down and my milk is all red. the skin around my nipples had torn and was bleeding! so the next a.m. I call the breast feeding store. I call her my breast therapist - i think she is a lactation consultant and she tells me I have to keep pumping or I will dry up! I get that but does anyone hear me when I say "skin is ripped and I am bleeding!" I shouldn't poke fun - these ladies are AMAZING and are really helping me - but back to why my saturday was so good - so I have to send john to the story to buy some cream she told me i needed. so john goes to their store that day and has to ask for a product called Mother Love Nipple Cream! FOR REAL! Had to walk in and ask for that - and the lady looks at him with understanding on her face and says "are you sore?" HA! that is too funny to picture! so john will all the confidence in the world brought me my nipple cream which is actually working and so here i sit at 4:10 a.m. milking myself yet again.
oh - on to my good day - I came home and played with the boys at 4 pm and we had the best time - from baking cookies to having a neighbor friend over and playing outside. bath time and dinner together - bed time stories and even had time to myself to pay bills and balance a bank statement. it was a good remembrance of what days might be like again soon. i can't wait for that fast paced life with kyle home and in his little papoose and then before I know it on to that back yard that is waiting for him! Lord please heal his lungs - would you let him breathe easy tonight. would you be his breath! please give him strength and help his body draw nutrition and calories out of his food! Lord I really want this step forward for kyle.
he looked great today. he was up to 40% oxygen when we left though and he was working a bit. by midnight he had gotten down to 35%. his nurse said (AMY is amazing - amazing nurse, mom, wife. she does it all and does it all with excellence it seems - i only see the nursing side and hear about the fam - but she is truly talented when it comes to NICU level 3 nursing. very detailed, meticulous even. very 1st born personality - ) she said that he is working a bit and she would just watch him and give him some time. She is great!
it kind of stinks b/c I like being at the hospital when our favorite nurses are there but at the same time when they are there is the only time I feel comfortable enough being home with the boys or running errands or whatever. ah - running errands a sure sign that life is returning to normal. I also did tons of laundry this weekend and kept up with the dishes and picking up the house. sunday was a bit harder. i was edgy, tired, emotional and all with the boys right there in full view of their crazy mom. We talked a bit that day about how grown ups can have bad days too.
Monday - kyle is needing to "fly" as they say on nasal cannula. I know I should just be thrilled that he is NOT on the vent anymore. I just really want to keep moving forward. there are 2 babies in our pod that are really sick. how can I worry about nasal cannula - but I do - I want the best for my son and quickly - I feel like the end is in sight - if we can just get home. I just want to keep moving forward. life in the NICU is getting harder. harder on me - kyle is getting better and life is getting easier. i guess that is part of being a mom. and for kyle, jadon, jack and john I am willing. bring it on.
after this is over though I want to move far far away and board my little family up in a house where we have all we need and never have to come out. we have each other and that is safe to me. all this vulnerability is not what it is cracked up to be. I really and truly just want to crawl inside myself and not even half to peak out at all that is around me. and this is what a mom with hope feels like. what about the other parents? ah - how bad they must hurt.
and I have really been contemplating God and why I am so struggling when it comes to my thoughts of him. I spend a ton of time alone these days and so my thoughts often turn to how jacked up my faith seems right now. but it has been weird b/c I don't feel like I don't believe God - I just feel like I don't know if I believe what we all think we know about God. i am not satisfied with who I thought God was.
After these last 3 months of my life I need to experience MORE than I have not in order to believe in God but in order to be Satisfied in God. So that is my prayer for now.
and I really need to go to bed - milking session just ended.