It's been too long!

I can't believe I haven't posted since Feb 25th.  I really can't believe how fast that has gone by!  I used to get so frustrated when I was following a mom's blog and she didn't post for a while.  I felt desperate to know what was going on - I really was wanting to glean info from them and transfer it to kyle.  selfish I know.  anyway.....

well - kyle is 7lb 12 oz now!  WOW!  we went to the high risk doc - not so much impressed.  in fact of all the appointments the ONLY one that has been informative.... my pediatrician - not some high risk person that was appointed to me by a hospital but my pediatrician that cares for my other kids!  He is amazing.  Dr. Tony John!  He did his residency at Hermann Children's among other places - anyway - he knew all I was talking about with kyle - he had info for me to watch for and guidelines for Kyle's growth, he asked several questions and gave us some goals to move towards.  The others - well the cardiologist - I knew more than he did.  I'm sure he is a great doc but he wanted to know why we were there - he was not planning on doing a test that we were there for.  He only had part of kyle's discharge summary and so he had all his info about his heart wrong!  and then said he would do the test if we "wanted him to" then he said he would call with the results and never did so when I called in to get them faxed to me - his notes were wrong - his info about kyle had been written down wrong.

then we went to the high risk clinic.  they didn't say much either - thought I would get lots of questions answered here - I was really excited about it.  the nurse didn't know how to put on a pulse ox.  WOW.  the docs were cool but again - no news!

anyway - kyle is doing good!  maybe that is why there is no news!  He is growing and figuring out days and nights, thank goodness - not there yet but on our way!

one of the attending physicians from Hermann has been great and has been providing me with some info regarding kyle.  We have a physical therapist we will be going to when RSV season is over.  This woman owns a clinic, used to work in NICU, and is trained in neuro-developmental therapy.  and has tons of experience with preemies.  she is a perfect match for us right now.

we are also trying to get into see a world renown pediatric neurologist that is paired with BCM and TCU.  hopefully that will work out.

in the mean time - we play and read and sleep and eat!  He is facinated by jadon and jack - I have posted pics below.

as far as me - my thoughts... I think alot.  too much probably. not really worry, but think.  I wonder how and why God has chosen to do things the way he has.  I'm sure other parents wonder the same.

I was thinking last night about how I will never be the same again.  I notice my neighbors, pregnant, seems to not have a care in the world.  not every imagining that anything could be wrong in life.  When I notice this I get so jealous.  Or the mom at jadon's school that had her baby when i should have had kyle.  I see her and feel so much regret for that day I went into labor.  but i realize I will never be that person again.  I will never think of a preemie and think it is cute.  I will never drive past a hospital and not think of the people inside and how they must feel.  I will never assume God will do what I want him to do.  I will never, I pray I will never, forget the pain of others.

BUT I WANT TO so bad go back to before all this happened, back to the kelly that I was before - before I was changed.   I wonder what is different - what is different about me - I will never be the same.  and then I realize that what is gone is flesh - what is missing from me now that I want back ... it is flesh... security in life, health, flesh.  THAT is why it was all so painful - God is stripping away flesh.

john has a song - he wrote - that asks God to do this until all that remains is what He has reclaimed.   It is so different living ministry rather than doing ministry.

I included some pics!  enjoy - they are getting so  big!