Kyle's NICU Story in Pictures

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Spring Cleaning - kelly

So I just read my own post.  I don't usually read them after I write them but today I went back and read yesterdays.  I'm a wreck.  I can't believe how hard this is to leave in the past.  WOW.  I'm glad the account is recorded and I want john to write down his account of that day so that we have it and then it is time to move on.  I guess I keep thinking it will be like a regular birth where I will one day forget all the pain and forget all the hurt and think it was great - you know how we do that with other births - you forget the hard part and only remember how great and amazing it was.  but it is not happening with this day.  anytime I get near those memories I am consumed with hurt, fear, regret, guilt.  and the main reason I type this is not for me but is for you - who ever you are - the mom that is desperately searching the internet tonight wondering if there is someone else out there like you.  Someone that hurts like you do, someone that can fix your feelings or make you feel like you are not so alone.  I guess I say to you that you have found one.  BUT it is not right to feel this way - I guess who's to say what is right but it is not healthy.  it doesn't make us a better mom or woman or wife.  it tears us down not builds us up.  and as I am typing these things I am feeling how much easier it is to say this than to do it.  so one more reminder to myself and to you - when you hear this whisper - the regret or guilt - speak truth louder.  The truth is that God loves you and your child.  whether your child lives or not, is healed or not, achieves a goal today or not, gets sick today or not.  The truth is that God is right and merciful and full of love and compassion.  I don't know why so many of us have been given the wrong picture of what this looks like.  why so many of us think this looks like us getting our way.  (we pray and God does it)  that might just be the strangest statement ever made!)

anyway - rambling thoughts from me tonight - I'm just fighting and struggling to stay focused, stay looking forward.  I don't want to live in defeat b/c I don't understand something that I'm sure I will never understand (that is biblical)  and not live in regret every time I remember.

I just found out a friend of mine is pregnant.  I will not let the enemy use fear from my memories to suffocate the joy this baby is already radiating from it's spirit- it's beautiful spirit.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love your honesty! I hope you are have a great easter w/ the boys. Jack should be into it this year. Kylie is! Bailey tries to out do her in the egg hunt but then gives her extra eggs! The love of siblings!
Stef

Sandcastle Momma said...

I have been following your story and praying for all of you for some time now. I'm also the mother of a preemie and I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome for a long time after my son was born. I talked to my doctor who told me that's very common after a stay in the NICU. I just wanted to tell you that it will get easier with time. The horror of it all does fade and you will be left with the good memories. Time really will help. Happy Easter to you all - your son is truly a miracle and I know God has a special purpose for sweet Kyle.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Kelly. It's been a ride to see your spirituality develop deeper through this experience. It's been a ride to go through this with you. I agree with the other mother that it gets easier with time, but I know that those feelings will always be back there somewhere... It's so part of you now. We must really work at making lemonade, though! It's not easy, but we've got 2 choices: 1) let those feelings eat us alive or 2) become better, stronger and more compassionate through the experience. I choose to spend 98% of my time making the most of what God's chosen for me. I KNOW you will, too!:o)

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOU KELLY!!!!!
P. Seale

Jennifer-Colley said...

Kelly, I have been reading about Kyle from Day 1, almost everyday, and praying for his heart to continue beating and when he gets older that it would beat hard for the Lord. I am 9 weeks pregnant. Had a miscarriage last February. It took one year and a chemical pregnancy for this little one to form. I totally understand how you feel about the devil putting thoughts into your head. I am a nervous wreck, cannot imagine that this will actually work out and that I will have a baby in October. It is hard for me to get excited about it and the more people that know we are pregnant, the more freaked out I get. I have never prayed for something or someone as much as I have this baby. I do know that God is sovereign though. I will be praying for you and that your thoughts are guarded everyday. That is what I have to pray everyday for myself. It has been a joy to follow Kyle's story and to see God's faithfulness in everything!

Carol said...

26 years ago. On my birthday. That's how long ago it was that my 16 week old baby decided it was his time to come. My back had hurt all day. But it was my first pregnancy, so I didn't really know that I might be in labor. By the end of my workday, when Mike picked me up, I was reasonably sure that something was terribly wrong, so he drove me straight to the hospital. I delivered in just a matter of moments (the details of which I will leave out, but suffice it to say, they were terrible). That was 26 years ago. I don't often think of that day with anything other than the feelings that I had on THAT day. So, I don't think about it very often. I had no thoughts about God on that day. It never occurred to me to pray.

I blamed myself for years, 3 years to be exact, which is how long it was before I gave birth to Zack.

Between the time I lost my baby, and I had Zack, I realized my need for a Savior, and gave my heart to Jesus. And my tiny faith grew when I was pregnant with Zack. When my pregnancy with him started to fail, I begged God for Zack. I begged God to let him live. And he lived. And he is such a miracle to me.

There are still days when I wonder what my 26 year old son would look like today. I still ask God what the point was. I still don't have answers. I don't know that I ever will. And I know I am okay and God is still great, even if I don't understand.

And, sometimes the enemy still whispers (yes 26 years later) that I am less than the woman I should be. But I have learned to hear the Voice of Truth, and the Voice of Truth tells me a different story.

Isaiah 25:1 O LORD, You are my God;
I will exalt You, I will give thanks to Your name; for You have worked wonders,plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness.

Anonymous said...

Kelly - I haven't been able to ck your entries for almost 10 days as we've been out of town & then back to work - non-stop!
But reading Part 2 was really tough. I felt my stomach knotting up & tears flowing as I read your feelings. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that pain, both physically & emotionally. And I know it will be hard to relive that day & the days following but with time the Lord will ease your fears & pain. You will heal & be able to go there without feeling as much fear.
I'm so sorry you had to experience such pain.
But we now will rejoice as we read of Kyle's good reports & how well he is doing. He is beautiful. And the Lord is glorified through all of this!!
Hugs to all ~ GranMammy B
Barbie Weller - Mansfield

Click below to go to my Personal March of Dimes Page

Our Story

This story begins with 5 people. John, Kelly, Jadon, Jack, and Kyle (he is only 23 weeks old... and he is still safely tucked away in his mommy's belly) In an hour's time Kyle made his way into the world. 1 pound, 3 ounces- 11 and a half inches long. This family will never be the same. This child is a warrior. He has the spirit of a Lion, and more courage than a whole pride. He is fierce, and fearless- and he is teaching us to fear the Lord- and to believe that God is in our midst and healing even now. Join us as pray, as we praise, and as we journey through this life as lovers of God and all His glory.

Kyle is in the March of Dimes Promo!