So I left for the doctor - I did take the time to put on mascara and earrings - 2 things we should never leave the house without - and headed out the door. I called my very best friend becky who lives in colorado that I have been best friends with since I was 12 and there is no one else on the whole earth like her or nearly as cool as her and my husband only wishes he was as cool as her and .... (that was an inside joke - but for real, our friendship is hard to put into words. she knows me completely inside and out; good stuff and bad stuff; real and fake stuff; and she totally not only accepts me but loves me. I don't know many people that have a friendship where you do not EVER have to think even once about how your looks, your ideas, your crappy selfish tendencies will affect what they think about you - that is this friendship. No need to impress, no need to be anything other than what you see is what you get that day! and she loves me. honestly we act like 7th graders when we are together and we think it's funny - our husbands just stare in disbelief when we get together! - and when we do take our kids to the zoo and push them around in strollers and sip diet coke and act like adults - we laugh b/c it is so crazy that we are moms!) anyway - wow - that was a long aside... back to the story - I called becky on my way to the doctor to gripe about how I was probably not going to get to work out that day! and how annoying it would be to get put on bed rest. and of course she let me complain and agreed with me - neither one of us ever believing that I could be in labor. but the closer I got to the Dr. Ritter's office the more the pain would come and go. By the time I got there I did NOT feel very good. So I went in and signed in and told the front desk that I had called ahead and the nurse knew I was coming...
I have to pause and say - even typing this gives me a nauseating feeling in my stomach, an ache in the top of my chest and it makes my ears and neck hot. This and any memory near this date still make me so upset. Earlier today I was working on some volunteer work I do for 220 ministries and I saw an email that I sent out on Oct 19th suggesting that we meet over the phone on tuesday. I never met him b/c Kyle was born monday. This memory, seeing that email - it makes this strange hurt come back all over again. It is regret - If I had only... I could list one hundred statements right here. Things would be so different. anytime I think of anything that takes me back to that date... uhhhh. I must continue to ask the Lord to take this from me.
anway - I told her I was feeling even worse and asked if I could go back. she said to take a seat and they nurse would be right out to get me. I'm sure as I walked off she was thinking "drama queeen." But I am just the opposite when it comes to crisis. I get really calm. I don't want anyone to think I am being obnoxious or overbearing - I was this way when Jadon was born and no one at the hospital believed I was in labor - I was dilated to a 6 then. so I sat down not wanting to make a scene b/c what if I was fine?! so the nurse calls me back pretty quick and I tell her in the room that I have not been feeling very good and then this a.m. I was spotting.and that I was probably crazy but the pain was in my back and was coming and going almost like contractions. she left the room and brought back the stuff that I should drink the next time I come in (that nasty orange stuff) and so I am thinking - I'm fine - no one else seems worried. So she had me go down the hall and get a urine sample in a cup. so I did after this I was really starting to hurt bad. So I took the sample back and told the nurse that my pains were really starting to worse. When she noticed the amount of blood in the cup she went ahead and got Dr. Ritter to come check me.
aside AGAIN - this is really harder to relive than I thought - I am really having to take a time out from remembering. My stomach is in knots and it just brings back floods of tears. I guess I haven't relived it in this much detail before. If I had just thrown a fit or demanded to see Dr. Ritter or even acted like those pregnant people you see in the movies instead of trying to keep my cool and assume I was fine. assume my baby was fine. I just keep thinking if I had spoken up louder... something. maybe it would have all been different. ahhhhhhh! Then I just go back further - If I had gotten up the first time and not laid back down. If I had rushed out the door faster. If I had called over the weekend or the week before. These thoughts can be all consuming - like a weight on my chest that gets heavier with every thought - or should I say every whisper. These thoughts must be from the enemy - from satan - from evil. The truth is and I'm typing this out-loud. I am the mother God chose for Kyle. God created Kyle in his image. He is glorified in Him. and Kyle is being used by Him.
I have known Dr. Ritter for some time. I was actually referred to him when I got married and needed to start birth control. I remember going to him when we wanted to start getting pregnant. I remember when he told me we were pregnant with Jadon. He delivered Jadon. I remember his encouragement after Jadon was born when I was having such a hard time emotionally. He delivered Jack. He has cared for me, from my children and it is obvious he cares for our whole family. I have known him over 8 years. So when he looked at me after he checked me - I knew something was not right. He said "You are fully dilated, 100% effaced, your going to have to deliver". I asked him "can't you stitch me up, put my legs in the air, something?" He said that my cervix was gone - there was nothing to stitch. I asked him the question... do babies at 23 weeks make it? Do they live? He said, not usually. His face was FILLED with compassion. Then he moved into fast gear! He got an ultrasound to see which way the baby (I say that b/c Kyle was not named Kyle yet) was facing. I could see him - I could hear his heart. That was the moment it all became too real and too hard. He was perfect, healthy and happy. My body just could not hold him. He was safe and soon, he would be dead - so I thought. Dr. Ritter then left the room to call the hospital - this is when I called john. i told him that the baby was fine but that I was going to have to deliver and that the baby would not make it. I lost it - couldn't talk - just cry. John just said I'm on my way and we hung up.
He was actually just pulling up to the school to drop off the boys - Son Kids Christian Preschool is where they go. I have never and will never find another program this amazing for my children! These people are priceless! Their ideas are creative and hands on, the staff is loving and kind, their program is purposeful in everything they do! We LOVE this school and all the staff! As john pulled up it is like the Lord has some of the staff just standing out front and john said he threw the boys at them and said something is wrong - kelly is in labor - I have to go. or something like that! God worked it out.
Back at the doctor's office I called becky back - remember we were chatting about how obnoxious bed rest would have been - I could barely talk and I told her I was going to deliver and with out even taking a breath she said "Kelly he is going to be okay. babies can make it." I went from being confused by what she was saying to believing her in seconds. I had not stopped to think that he could live... I didn't even know what to do with that thought. Becky prayed.
Then my next call was to find shauna. she lives in germany - I knew the holy spirit in her would groan on my behalf. I called her mom and within minutes shauna was calling my cell. She said the same thing becky did - that he would be okay. I didn't even question them I just held on tot their hope as I tried to muster some of mine. when shauna asked what I needed it just came out - "for you to get here". I didn't even know what I was asking - I don't mean in the way that I was asking alot of her - I mean really - the words were just coming out.
Dr. Ritter came back in and said that he spoke with the neonatologist nurse practitioner over at The Woodlands Herman Memorial and she wanted to try. TRY I thought - you mean he CAN live?! He said we need to do a C-section that will be his best chance. the nurse told me that his truck was being pulled around we could not wait for an ambulance. he asked me if I had any questions - - - - questions? I was in shock I think - the only one I had was I wanted to know if he would be doing the surgery. He said "Yes - I'll be doing the surgery." and I said, let's go. just then john pulled up so they put me in the Yukon and misty, Dr Ritter's nurse, met us over at the hospital and took me straight in. I heard her tell the nurse when we got to the desk that i was fully dilated, fully effaced with bag bulging. Well, I knew what that meant. it meant that we were about to deliver.
The admit process was kind of a blur. I do know we had one nurse that kept asking for my last name (like 3 times) and my social and if we had a car seat. I think she might have been new. John went to get someone else and the nurse we got then was great - she got us straight in.
John talked to me about naming the baby. we had been going back and forth about naming our little boy and we would write in wipe off markers on our mirror wars about what names we wanted. jokingly of course (not me though!) so he said we could name him Klien - that is what I wanted to name him - but I said no I wanted him to like the name too. Then I told him that as I was praying for our baby through they whirlwind of day so far I kept feeling the name kyle. which we had talked about but not decided on or anything. John was convinced that I really liked the name klien and wanted me to get to name our son. we tabled it b/c anesthesia came to talk with me and he said we did not have time for an epidural that they would intubate me and put me under. but they did not want that to get to the baby so they would put me under right before they cut. NICE. they told me that when i woke up john would not be there b/c he would be with the baby.
so we get into the surgery room - it was cold. I remember them giving me something they said would make my eyes blurry. it did. I remember the nurses counting tools. I remember they anesthesiologist say I would feel a prick in my neck and then I would go to sleep. I did feel it and was soon asleep.
What I was told is that they doctors got kyle out with in seconds. I remember waking up b/c I couldn't breath, I was gasping for breath. what I woke up to was them extubating me. I have never felt pain like I did then. They kept saying to take deep breaths and I was trying but I was shaking so bad and I can't describe how bad shaking hurt in my gut that had just been cut open. I later found out that unlike an epidural where you can go straight into your morphine - they had to get me to start breathing on my own and wake up before they could give the morphine. so when I woke up I was in pain like I have never felt before. It was so bad I couldn't speak. this is from the same person who was dilated to a 10 and 100% effaced and not in much pain. the one who with jadon was dilated to a 6 and walking around and an 8 before my epidural. I just needed to breathe. So I would breathe in and out and I remember people talking to me and it was like it took energy to listen b/c I just needed them to be quiet! then I could control the breathing and I seemed to stop shaking so bad. but as soon as someone would talk - and I remember there being lots of people in there which I thought was strange. all I could say was hurt. I kept saying that and they let me know I needed to wait a few more minutes and then I could have some medicine. I kept saying "hurt". that is all I could get out.
but then I noticed john. i remembered that if he was there than our baby had not lived. I couldn't ask. I was afraid to know - I knew physically I could not stand the pain of crying - I hurt soooo bad. so for right then - I didn't want to know.
Then he said something - about the baby (it is so hard for me to call him that - he is kyle to me!) anyway - I was shocked - I remember looking at him - still couldn't really talk. I knew they were working on him - he was alive!
The transport team was called from Hermann Children's hospital and they came by ambulance - they could not fly that day -the sky was green and stormy. The neonatal transport team only comes once the baby is viable. then they pack him up and get him to Hermann. They came by my room. Sherry and Angela - they were so kind - angela was knew and so sherry would prompt her what to tell me about kyle. they let me touch him. and spend about 5 minutes talking to him - we prayed over him and then just before he left... they asked if he had a name! I couldn't let him leave without a name - so john looked at me and then told the nurses - his name is Kyle. We said goodbye to Kyle - I knew I wouldn't see him for a few days.
Soon they gave me morphine and I went loopy. I thought things were going to be fine - I suggested that john go ahead and leave town that weekend for work and I really thought kyle was going to do so well we would be home in a week or two. I was on drugs!
so there was no neonatologist giving me all kinds of statistics and then me having to decide if we wanted them to try and save kyle. it all went too fast. I'm thankful for this. I never had to hear with my ears and store in my mind all the horrible things they said to john about kyle's chances.
and that was kyle's birthday. oh - i forgot to mention this was my mom's birthday too. WOW.