Update on Kyle for today - he has had a couple of good days - his blood gasses are good and they have changed some vent setttings for the better... and he is still doing good on gasses. they are upping his dextrose to help him put on weight but his glucose is staying put (this is good!) He has been taking feedings very well - absorbing all of his nutrition - we will be looking for some poop anyday now! In fact kyle graduated from 1 cc of milk to 1.5 cc of milk today!
on a side note - (boys cover your ears). God's grace and mercies are so good - I have been able to pump and have not had any post pardom problems this time. my doctors were concerned that with the stress of the nicu that pumping might be too much of a stress - but they knew the benefits for kyle... and so here we are. I am not a fan, but for my little lion - anything! however - all is going well!
I have come to some realizations over the past couple of days. God is truly in control of this. He desires to restore us. each of us. Kyle, me, you.. He is changing each of us, restoring each of us. One of john's songs from the new cd pleads for God to change us, is says
"Jesus you are here, we are drawing near, in this holy flame, may we never be the same! Overwhelm us, devastate us, until all remains is what you've reclaimed. Consume us, father ruin us, may we never be the same, may we never be the same." I listened to this today and thought about my love for the Lord.
I always said that I was seeking the Lord and not just His hand. I thought I was not looking for crowns or the water from fountains, but that just to see Jesus' face would one day be worth it - that it would all be worth it. but now all i desperately want from the bottom of my hurting soul is for the water from the fountain to come down and run over kyle's precious little body and heal him. I am seeking the hand of God. I confess that to you tonight Lord.
but this is the thing - God created in me this love for my son. So I know as a father who gave his only son - he understands my cry. not sure how to reconcile this thought - just a thought. so do I love the Lord more than I love my children? days ago I would have said yes. I would like to say yes now. I think I do. but my requests of him might suggest differently.
just processing, thinking, trying to reconcile, praying. thanks for listening.
he is changing all of us. he is restoring all of us.
Kelly
Kyle's NICU Story in Pictures
4 comments:
Kelly,
I gew up with John in youth group, but I've never had the pleasure of meeting you. I feel connected to you as a sister in Christ, but also, as a mother. I am in awe of people who can comprehend and grasp the love of Christ without having children first. I grew up knowing Jesus loves me, but it was like a childhood storybook kind of love. It took me having a child to realize as much as I love my babies, that that love isn't even a taste of how much God loves us. It amazes me every time I think of it... How great is our God! I love reading the posts and wait forward to hearing what great things God has done for Kyle / you / John / fellow blog readers. He IS changing all of us. He IS restoring all of us.
leslie nemec
Kelly,
I am so glad to hear that the pumping is going well. 1.5 cc's is an awesome step as well! I went through post partum problems after Gideon and knew that you had in the past also. So, I have been praying for you relentlessly in that regard. Thank you for noting it in your post.
Your little lion is being marinated in prayer! And God HAS delivered him and will continue to deliver him (2 Cor 1:10).
Still praying...Colleen
Kelly,
I believe that when we have children, we all reach a place where we ask ourselves, do I love God more than my children? It is a crossroads of a sort for sure. I don't think it is a test of our faith, or even our love for God. I think it is a growth place. A step in our journey. I think it is a place that Christ stepped, if that makes sense at all. A place where he had to ask, do I love what I desire, more than what you do, God?
Kelly, God doesn't doubt your love or your faith. He isn't asking you who you love more. He is asking you to trust Him. He loves your children more than you can ever possibly even try to. Realizing that is what allows you to release them to Him. No matter what.
I read this passage this morning. It concerns the Lord's hand.
Psalm 138:7-8 "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me. You will stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me. The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting. Do not forsake the works of Your hands."
My prayer for you this day is that you will KNOW that the Lord will accomplish what concerns you.
God created the love you have for your children. I don't think he did that to create conflict. God created Kyle in his own image and I think he expects you to love him with every fiber of your being just as you do Jadon and Jack. I think he knows that you love him with ever fiber of your being as the creator of all and I know he is there with you. If you look closely there are only one set of footprints in the sand....
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