Kyle is doing good - he is still on CPAP of 6 and hangs out at 24% oxygen or so - today he was on 21% for some time on his tummy! He is doing good. He is eating 28 ccs of food now and digesting it well.
I am overwhelmed by the those that are not doing well or have not lived. another baby in Kyle's pod died the other night. I drove home and couldn't get her out of my mind. her or her family or the little boy before her and his family, or the little boy before him and his family, or the little boy before him and his family, or the little girl before him and her family. I not just typing - there are names that go with each of these. how can this keep happening.
there were more family members in the waiting room than I have ever seen up there. they came back 3 at a time as mom sat by here side. she laid on a pink blanket and had a white bunny with pink spots in the corner. in the other corner there was a book propped up that was titled "my book of bible stories" but it was written in spanish. they obviously love her.
his mom couldn't come much. I could never pretend to know the challenges she faced away from the NICU. when she did she would sit and talk to him through the incubator glass. As we left one night, she was coming in to say goodbye to him. this was the first and last time she would ever hold him. I will never forget her expression that night.
oh how this little boy was prayed for, begged for and he was a long awaited gift. I remember so much love and so much hurt on his mom's and dad's faces. So much joy the first day mom held him, I'll always remember the dad's smile as he walked by us to get his camera that day. She held him all the time. We begged God for him. begged.
He was term and mom and dad didn't know anything was wrong until he was taken from his mom's arms to come to the NICU. He went home... home... what we all long for. His dad screamed "glory to God" through every step. Every step! He claimed God's goodness, faithfulness, healing hand over his son, his family, my son and the whole life circumstance. this little boy did not live.
This little girl died before I got out of the hospital. I will always remember how she affected my husband.
how does this keep happening? I will forever cling to who I KNOW God is. like my friend breathed into me today... once you believe... you believe. and I do. but how can this keep happening.
when we first made kyle's site shauna was going to put a pic up of him. I was hesitant b/c I did not want people (and I quote) to be able to shed only one tear for my son and then turn around and do their dishes. as if he never existed. Shauna looked at me and said "Kelly... you do that every day." (you gotta love honesty!) she is right. I wanted people to be changed and moved by God AND to care enough to fight for him and pray for him. If they were not going to be then I did not want them to have the privilege to sit and watch my horror but do nothing and not even be changed. How often am I a spectator with my mouth gaped open at what the enemy dishes out or what the world brings (however you want to say it) I might even turn to my friend and use it as dinner conversation and then I go do my dishes and forget.
my horror now comes b/c I can not escape.
Dear God - please never let me forget. Even when my life lets me walk away from this pain and into joy. Never let me forget these people. these people that hurt. the people that you love. these people that need and hurt and ache for joy and hope and peace.