Kyle's NICU Story in Pictures

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Comments, Money and Me - Kelly

i tried not to weigh in.  but in light of some of the recent comments we are receiving in reply to our posts,... I think i will.  Please don't take this the wrong way,.... but I have not been necessarily writing my thoughts to all of you - all of you that are reading this.  Yes, I update with prayer requests and the blog is a great way to get the good news of kyle's growth or the prayer requests of his needs out to everyone, and yes, I am so humbled that God is using this forum as a way to minister and grow some of you,...  but that is not my focus.  this has become my journal.  my online historical account of this crazy life of mine for right now.  Also, my therapy at the end of the day to be able to articulate my thoughts, emotions, etc...It is my heart spilled out.  i rarely write with out tears streaming down my face.  So, when you read this, please do so with care.  I am not asking for opinions or advice, though I have been encouraged sometimes by your comments.    I am not even asking for you to take on my words.  I am just writing.  free thinking ... with the hopes of one day providing another mom like me with proof that she will be okay.  When she thinks that she has lost her child, her other children, her husband, her friends, her God and her way in the world - maybe she will read all this and know that it will be okay - one day, some how it can be okay.

regarding the money thing - wow... if you have ever met my dear friend carol this will make sense - she was hurting, - hurting that she saw her friends (not just friends - we are family) my kids are her family, she truly loves me and john.  we have a very deep relationship.  She was hurting as she saw us hurting.  She is scared just like i am that others will go on and forget to beg God and forget to help out - she gets up at 5 am or something insane like that and goes to work, then she leaves work and comes straight over here to keep jadon and jack.  she also keeps them all weekend except for when she has to go to work - she works on the weekends too.  She gives all she can and maybe, just maybe she felt like I do sometimes, "Will they forget me?"  "Will my friends think that I should be over this by now?"  Carol has even said to me that someone asked her (when she mentioned she was coming over here and couldn't go hang out,) "oh, are you still doing that?"  so that is why she blogged.  Not b/c she hears us worry about money, not b/c she worries about money, not b/c she is unaware of medicaid.  but b/c she was writing her thoughts and wanting to encourage you, she wanted to see people keep loving us the way she does.  And she is not the only one that has given up her life for us - traci is right here with her...  keeping our kids, loving our kids, loving us, providing hot meals for us, running errands,... she has spoken of the same concerns -- carol is just the vocal one online.

For those of you that know me and john - pennies mean little to us.  We would spend every dime we had to see just one minute more with our son.  We would sell everything with out a care or sadness to make this happen.  None of this is about any sort of money.  We are well informed about medicaid.  We have many people in our lives that feel the same way about money and would give us any amount needed at anytime - for anything.  So please know, this was not, and never has been about money.  

There - i said it.  and also for those of you that know me... wasn't that polite?!  I tend to get a little feisty sometimes.  :)

So from now on - if you would like to peek into my thoughts then please read.  but don't feel the need to fix me - if that can be done I'm sure God will do it.  but please - please keep encouraging me.  i have a hard time expressing a need, ... that I could have needs.  but boy do I right now.  I am hurting, i feel lost all the time, I used to be supermom (okay - I thought I was!) and now I ... I don't know what I am and barely know who I am.  I miss my husband, I miss my kids, I really miss my friends, I even miss the Y :).  but I am here to fight... and not just fight for kyle - my little lion, who by the way is doing just great today!  but I am here to fight for the other moms and the other babies.  I was prophesied over long ago that God had given me the gift of healing and this man encouraged me to not be afraid to put my hands on people when I prayed for them.  I thought he was somewhat crazy at the time...  but the Lord has changed my mind.  (that's another story for another day).  so I am praying and fighting all the time.  interceding... I need all of you behind me.   John needs all of you behind him and so does kyle especially -- and Jadon and Jack.

I said it -  I admitted my need.  Please continue the prayers and the encouragement.  I read every word that is commented on this blog and many of them I cling to.  I went to one of your blogs this morning as i was milking myself (i know... sorry,... that is what it feels like it has become) and found out that one of you had a miscarriage or maybe your baby was still born.  I could not tell from your blog but the hurt that you wrote about touched me. The healing you wrote about encouraged me.  To know that you hurt and were scared and felt sick when you thought about certain things - this sounds cruel but it comforted me.  To know that others could go through losing a child and still love God and still be okay.  I do not believe I am going to have to deal with that but for me, this road has been hard too.  So all this to say - thank you to those that encourage me and to those that make suggestions - even about money saving ideas - thank you.  those are perfect and i love them.  I just agree with what john wrote.  none of this is about money - it really is about community.

And even though i feel alone sometimes - the TRUTH is you are there - my community, I know you are there and are praying and loving even if it is from a distance.  This is just hard to remember sometimes.  This road feels very lonely.  And i know it feels lonely for those who are living in it constantly too.

Everyone is tired sometimes in whatever their hard place is.  But i just know it will be worth it - i know it will.

So from now on you i will probably not be addressing people that are readers but I am glad that you are reading - it keeps me accountable to blog and I know that one day - maybe even now - God will use these thoughts to love someone.  To heal someone...  and maybe even to restore someone.

Thank you for reading - Thank you for praying.  No matter what you read that I am questioning, I am grateful.



Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing as usual! It was so nice to you guys outside tonight w/ the boys. Then I wanted to kick myself - I meant to give a big, huge HUG - but I had my hands full of mail. Stupid excuse but whatever! Your boys are so adorable by the way! I haven't seen them in forever - bad neighbors, I know! And thanks for the salsa by the way. Regardless, I think it is so irritating to me that you have to explain you feelings to people who are so rude! I have never felt like you were begging for money - EVER! So, someone who says such inconsiderate things has no clue the type of people you and John are! You guys would never take advantage of anyone - and people who really know and care about you know that. So, all the haters - if you can't say it nice, go away! Seriously! Okay - I was feisty for you, Kelly. Love you guys!

Anonymous said...

Dear Kelly (and family too),

I read your blog regularly. I was thinking how truly privileged we are to be able to share this with you. I can't have kids so I have pity parties for myself regularly (and shouldn't) but then I think to myself could I handle this? Am I strong enough and is my faith strong enough to take this journey. It doesn't seem like I am. Then I realize we ALL have our struggles, sorrows, fears, etc. and God loves and cares about all of us. You are so right - community needs to pull together more! Thank you for sharing and for your honesty although you owe neither to "us" out here in the internet land!

I pray for your little lion - what a testimony he will have one day as he stands besides his parents and brothers and shares how God touched his life....he's already doing that now!

Lindsey: Mama of Andrew, Adam, and Ally said...

What a blessing that you have such awesome friends that are loving and caring for your little ones during this time! You are still supermom and doing your very best to be there for all your sweet boys. When I read your words I'm brought back to where I was emotionally a year ago, seeing other babies suffer when mine were doing well and then learning about A's possible brain damage and seeing other babies that seemed "perfect" and wondering how it all fit into God's plan. A year later I don't have any perfect answers but I do have peace and joy, so much joy and I pray that in a year from now you too will feel peace and joy and hopefully your heart won't hurt quite as much as it does right now, although I'm not sure my heart will ever be the same after seeing so much heartbreak. But I know that I'm a better mother for my boys now becasuse of it.

Sorry for the novel!

Praying for Kyle and his supermommy!

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.


23wktwinsmommy said...

I know exactly what you are going through.
The helpless feeling, the guilt, the worry, it is extremely intense.
As for the money thing...haha if only Medicade solved all issues. You are not begging for money, people donate to causes all the time especially within the Christian faith. If they want to donate to help they can; you are not guilting people into it or anything like that. People who haven't experienced it have NO IDEA how much your life changes when you have a very sick child. All the free health care in the world could never attempt to solve the emotional and financial hardships.
Just wanted you to know I'm here for you, and I can't recall if I sent you an invite for my blog which is now private but feel free to email me if you didn't get one.
We're still praying for Kyle.

Jennifer said...

Hi Kelly. Kyle sounds like he is doing great! I know he still has hurdles ahead of him, but what great progress he is making! My Max didn't love CPAP and had to go back on the vent several times before he got the hang of it - so Kyle is definitely being a stud! :)

One thing I learned while Max was in the NICU is that people have the best intentions, but it sometimes just doesn't come out the right way. Friends/family/strangers really do mean well, but can't fully understand your feelings because most of them have not been in your shoes. They don't understand how DRAINING life in the NICU can be and how your child's condition can change from minute to minute. But, they really do just want to support and enourage you as best they know how.

Hang in there - I'm so glad you have a blog where you can get all your feelings out. I sure wish I had one when my son was in the NICU. What a great gift you're going to be able to give Kyle one day - is he going to know how much his mom loves him or what?!?!

Take care,
Jennifer Clardy
Max's mom

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing.....

Ali Wallace said...


We have never met. My husband and I have twin boys in the NICU right now here in Austin. They are 24 weekers born October 24th. A friend posted your website address on our website... Feel free to check it out (not that you really have spare time!) Anyways, just wanted to encourage you in some small way. We have been through much of the same things you and John are going through. I have not been NEARLY as faithful about posting on our website as you have here. I didn't really write in detail about the scary times...probably because I was in shock. We nearly lost both of our boys at different times awhile back. They both had NEC and surgery to repair intestional issues following. PDA ligation surgeries....sepsis....brain know exactly what I'm talking about. Point being...we can relate to most of what you guys are going through. We are praying for you and your sweet family all the time. I have been following Kyle's journey and my heart breaks for you. God is faithful...He has delivered us thru so much already. He WILL deliver you too. He already has in so many ways. He has used Kyle in unbelivable ways to demonstrate His sovreignty and His infinite love for us. I just picture Him holding all of our sick babies in the palm of His mighty hand. He is watching them and even singing over them!! What a thought. You are an inspiration to me because of the fact that you have other kids!! These are our first babies so we are free to leave the house for however long. You guys are still parenting two other boys...and it's amazing how you two keep going everyday. I know it's incredibly difficult. The absolute HARDEST thing you've ever gone through...right? I know. The NICU life is so changes so quickly. You pray prayers for your little one(s) with the most incredible passion and know? Wow. Just know that we are praying for you...for endurance to run this race! My husband said in the beginning...this is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm sure you would agree. He is mighty to save...mighty to heal...mighty to repair! We pray for his unending mercy and grace over you and John...His peace....His rest...His strength! We praise Him for bringing Kyle so far!! And we will not stop praying for Kyle...we know that he will need prayers for a long time...just like our little ones.
Be encouraged....
Much Love,
Ali Wallace

Anonymous said...

As I read the blogs I am in awe of how it could become a way for someone to attack such a precious family. I would not want to explain to the precious child we fight for daily why someone thought it might be better to clarify Medicaid than pray for financial aid.If anyone knows John , Kelly or Carol than they would know what a blunder it would be to think their intensions are nothing but honorable. But may I ask who made it our buisness anyway? I mean really- The Sherrill's have allowed us the privilege of sharing in their daily struggles. Struggles sometimes that are hard to accept much less share. There should be a line between what is acceptable and unacceptable in our journey with them. They have allowed us in their life let us not forget that. I am honored to be able to share in the victories and support them in pray in the struggles. It is after all what we are called to do.I do not care if someone gave them a million dollars and Medicaid was on board -- If God tells someone to give they should give,period. Let us concentrate on their needs, because right now they need us.
P. Seale

Anonymous said...

I just want to say that you both have my heart and I also want you to know that I have read every word that has been written on here since the very first day you started it...I check on your little man several times a day and cannot go to bed at night without one final check...
I admire your faith, your courage and your compassion for are and inspiration...I can truly see Jesus in you both...
Thank you...
Love to all,
LeAnn Smith

Anonymous said...

I am glad that Kyle is doing well, the little steps mean so much with these little guys. One of the comments stated that people are always trying to encourage you, and not exactly meaning what they are saying. I can understand this as a mom of twin 26 weekers. People who don't have to experience this have no clue what all is going on in your head at one time. I use to be so organized and on top of everything, that changed the instant the boys came. They were my life and world. If it didn't happen at our house or in the car on the way to the hospital I was not aware of it. I wish I would have thought to have a webpage to blog, I think it would have really helped me. I know the money issue is the farthest thing from your mind now. My family keeps praying for you and your family.

Book Fairy said...

For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.

—Romans 15:4

Funny how I find these scriptures that speak to me. Your writing give us all hope, Kelly. Write on and know we're here. Sometimes silently, while other times chiming in. Loving and praying all the while.

A. M. Hendley said...

I don't even know you guys, but I've been keeping up with the blog for a while and I pray for Kyle (and Coy) with your requests. Now, I'm just a single college student. I'm not planning on having babies for many years so I haven't the foggiest idea what John, Kelly, Jack, Jadon, and other important people like Carol, Traci and all the NICU staff are dealing with. Of course, I can gather some things to give me an idea, like pain, grief, doubt, questions, abiding, anger, uncertainty, hope, need, struggle, love... but to me these can only be words trying to convey your thoughts and emotions because that place is so far from where I am right now. My imagination is what connects me to your lives.

None the less, that imagination of what your life has been like has stirred me to my very core. As I read your words, I'm always wiping away tears before I finish. You don't know me, but that is really saying a lot because I do not cry much at all. I love seeing how the Lord has used Kyle's story to reach out to so many people. Literally thousands of people at some point or another have heard of Kyle, and many of them pray for him and the people surrounding him on a regular basis. Many of those thousands are in a similar situation or have been or are close to people that are. These people receive encouragement and hope from Kyle's little successes along with doses of doubt and frustration when something goes wrong with Kyle or Coy or the babies without people to hold them. However, Kyle's influence also means something to people like myself that are far removed. I can see God's faithfulness, grace and mercy drenching every day that Kyle is still fighting. I can see His people rising up to come along side and do something to help (thanks Carol and Traci and other people too!) which is a story all its own. I can see how HEAVY life can be as you relate it through your time at the NICU. Although, it seems extremely silly to say, I want to say thank you for putting yourselves out there. You broadcast some of your deepest fears and thoughts, and I for one really appreciate it because Kyle Sherrill has changed something in my heart. I will probably never even meet this fine young man.

May God grant you all the healing and restoration we beg Him for.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you in Chalmette La.

Anonymous said...

Hi! I just want to say understand your frustrations... not only as a former-NICU mom, but a blogger. Sometimes things just snowball... I won't dwell... I'll just pray!

Tabaitha said...

Thank you for sharing and being honest about your feelings, needs, desires and frustrations. I check this site daily if not more and when I wake up in the middle of the night to feed my son, I think of your family and pray for each of you during that time before I fall back to sleep.


Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for awhile now, a friend of mine told me about it. I gave birth to twins 2 years ago, they were almost 23 weeks gestation. Seeing those early pictures of your lion reminded me so much of them. My twins had TTTS and went to Jesus as soon as they left me. I have to tell you, your blog, all who contribute to it, write so beautifully. To read about kyle's struggles and his victories (all for the glory of his Creator!), to read about your real struggles to hold it together with your boys, to see how Christians come together for those in need - that's real faith! How it pleases our Lord's heart to see us caring for eachother in our need. Although i don't know you, i cheer for your baby as if he were my twins (silly, huh?) Our God is mighty and that is evidenced in what He is doing in kyle. In an odd way, reading about Kyle has healed some part of my heart. Thank you for sharing your story, for being real. May God continue to bless your family and heal your son.

Click below to go to my Personal March of Dimes Page

Our Story

This story begins with 5 people. John, Kelly, Jadon, Jack, and Kyle (he is only 23 weeks old... and he is still safely tucked away in his mommy's belly) In an hour's time Kyle made his way into the world. 1 pound, 3 ounces- 11 and a half inches long. This family will never be the same. This child is a warrior. He has the spirit of a Lion, and more courage than a whole pride. He is fierce, and fearless- and he is teaching us to fear the Lord- and to believe that God is in our midst and healing even now. Join us as pray, as we praise, and as we journey through this life as lovers of God and all His glory.

Kyle is in the March of Dimes Promo!