regarding the money thing - wow... if you have ever met my dear friend carol this will make sense - she was hurting, - hurting that she saw her friends (not just friends - we are family) my kids are her family, she truly loves me and john. we have a very deep relationship. She was hurting as she saw us hurting. She is scared just like i am that others will go on and forget to beg God and forget to help out - she gets up at 5 am or something insane like that and goes to work, then she leaves work and comes straight over here to keep jadon and jack. she also keeps them all weekend except for when she has to go to work - she works on the weekends too. She gives all she can and maybe, just maybe she felt like I do sometimes, "Will they forget me?" "Will my friends think that I should be over this by now?" Carol has even said to me that someone asked her (when she mentioned she was coming over here and couldn't go hang out,) "oh, are you still doing that?" so that is why she blogged. Not b/c she hears us worry about money, not b/c she worries about money, not b/c she is unaware of medicaid. but b/c she was writing her thoughts and wanting to encourage you, she wanted to see people keep loving us the way she does. And she is not the only one that has given up her life for us - traci is right here with her... keeping our kids, loving our kids, loving us, providing hot meals for us, running errands,... she has spoken of the same concerns -- carol is just the vocal one online.
For those of you that know me and john - pennies mean little to us. We would spend every dime we had to see just one minute more with our son. We would sell everything with out a care or sadness to make this happen. None of this is about any sort of money. We are well informed about medicaid. We have many people in our lives that feel the same way about money and would give us any amount needed at anytime - for anything. So please know, this was not, and never has been about money.
There - i said it. and also for those of you that know me... wasn't that polite?! I tend to get a little feisty sometimes. :)
So from now on - if you would like to peek into my thoughts then please read. but don't feel the need to fix me - if that can be done I'm sure God will do it. but please - please keep encouraging me. i have a hard time expressing a need, ... that I could have needs. but boy do I right now. I am hurting, i feel lost all the time, I used to be supermom (okay - I thought I was!) and now I ... I don't know what I am and barely know who I am. I miss my husband, I miss my kids, I really miss my friends, I even miss the Y :). but I am here to fight... and not just fight for kyle - my little lion, who by the way is doing just great today! but I am here to fight for the other moms and the other babies. I was prophesied over long ago that God had given me the gift of healing and this man encouraged me to not be afraid to put my hands on people when I prayed for them. I thought he was somewhat crazy at the time... but the Lord has changed my mind. (that's another story for another day). so I am praying and fighting all the time. interceding... I need all of you behind me. John needs all of you behind him and so does kyle especially -- and Jadon and Jack.
I said it - I admitted my need. Please continue the prayers and the encouragement. I read every word that is commented on this blog and many of them I cling to. I went to one of your blogs this morning as i was milking myself (i know... sorry,... that is what it feels like it has become) and found out that one of you had a miscarriage or maybe your baby was still born. I could not tell from your blog but the hurt that you wrote about touched me. The healing you wrote about encouraged me. To know that you hurt and were scared and felt sick when you thought about certain things - this sounds cruel but it comforted me. To know that others could go through losing a child and still love God and still be okay. I do not believe I am going to have to deal with that but for me, this road has been hard too. So all this to say - thank you to those that encourage me and to those that make suggestions - even about money saving ideas - thank you. those are perfect and i love them. I just agree with what john wrote. none of this is about money - it really is about community.
And even though i feel alone sometimes - the TRUTH is you are there - my community, I know you are there and are praying and loving even if it is from a distance. This is just hard to remember sometimes. This road feels very lonely. And i know it feels lonely for those who are living in it constantly too.
Everyone is tired sometimes in whatever their hard place is. But i just know it will be worth it - i know it will.
So from now on you i will probably not be addressing people that are readers but I am glad that you are reading - it keeps me accountable to blog and I know that one day - maybe even now - God will use these thoughts to love someone. To heal someone... and maybe even to restore someone.
Thank you for reading - Thank you for praying. No matter what you read that I am questioning, I am grateful.